Minnesota Autism Mom

My emotions have settled a bit in terms of returning to work. I have kept so busy since Monday am, there hasn’t been too much time to reflect. I spent Mon and Tues frantically rearranging and cleaning my new room. The former teacher left my room in one big dump. I know why, but I don’t appreciate it. I am having trouble determining what she did w/ the children, but I honestly don’t care either. Between books and online resources; I have a million ideas. Now I just need to figure out what will work best.

Cleaning for 2 days is a crappy way to start a new job. I was so exhausted, I came home w/ my son, threw him in a bath and to bed…to basically just do the same thing myself. I think I passed out on the couch last night and dragged my behind to bed once I realized I couldn’t “stay up” any longer. I am happy to say that I don’t feel this exhaustion today. I sat in meetings/inservices/workshops all day.

It started so strangely. I immediately recognized a woman that entered the room. Or I was pretty sure. I found a moment and reacquainted myself w/ what ended up being my Spanish teacher of 3 years in high school. I am not sure if she really remembered me, but she was a really good speaker. I always liked her and was happy to find out that she has taken her career to a new level working w/ schools such as mine. She was so good w/ us that I was starting to wonder if my memories of certain former classmates taking advantage of her kindness was even true. She is the teacher I sadly remember not having much of a spine (or rather classroom manangment). I wondered silently to myself if this is why she is no longer in the classroom herself.

While her presentation was really good; it didn’t apply to me professionally. It did apply to me for my son. She discussed language acquistion and while she was primarly speaking to the native Chinese speakers who are going to teach Chinese to MN kids…she was speaking to me about my son’s struggle to acquire his first language. For some reason, as she discussed how easy or magically it appears that people learn language…blah, blah…all I could think about was all of the non-verbal children I have met in person or online. I wanted to say, but what about our kids w/ ASD or other issues? It’s not so easy for everyone. But, it OBVIOUSLY was not about that. I just let my emotions flow in and out. Letting it go. Not even sure at this time what she was saying that could have me burst out in tears and run out of the room in embarassment. But, there it was. These feelings…these feelings of grief, maybe pity? Are still lying gently below the surface of “I have my shit together” facade. I really don’t, have my shit together, I am going back to work for my family financially. My hope is that the return to work will help me shift from intense focus on my son, back to myself a bit and contribute to our bills. I know in time being a working mom will feel natural and normal.

Until then, the school is super disorganized and if I wasn’t a 5th year teacher they would have had me in tears the first day. Not speaking Chinese hardly helps in this environment. This will take some getting used to because other than the few of us that are allowed to not know Chinese…the rest of the Chinese speakers will be expected to ONLY speak Chinese. Something tells me it’s going to be very hard to get to know my co-workers if we have to whisper. Yes, these are the rules. And I don’t mind. I am just saying. I am in a little China. This is nothing I am used to. Even learning my new c0-workers names is becoming challenging. There are a lot of people, but then when they tell me their names…I have no frame of reference. It doesn’t sound like anything I know and it drifts in one ear and out the other as I wonder to myself…what did she just say? Can I even pronounce that? Maybe I can call her “girl” – like “Hey girl!” instead of learning names. Let’s add the 380 student names to the list and I feel just screwed on that front.

I have so much more I probably could write tonite, but I really don’t have time. Which I hate. I just need some frickin’ me time. But, son won’t go to sleep easily…so off to give him more food and try again. He has to be tired, but he could be hungry. Let the guessing game begin!

I found an animated version of “Goodnight Moon” on youtube today and it’s very well done. I think it will be a nice way to signify bedtime from here on out. We’ll still read books, but since he loved his copy of the book to the pt it’s ripped in half…I guess this is a nice 2nd option. The music is so sweet too.

I have had a handful of blog entry ideas, but between father’s day, son’s 3rd b-day, looking for a job, and yes actually spending time offline…this blog just reminds me that it’s hard to make time to write and be reflective. It’s much easier to find an article or a quick snip-it to share on Facebook.

We have decided to move forward with getting MCHA. Not excited to add another bill to the list OR to put one person on 3 insurance options, but it’s what we must do to move him into a different (and possibly better) ABA program. It took us a long time to make this decision, but it’s time to move on as soon as we can. Husband did some research and was told this could possibly only take a month, but everyone else has told me it’s a 6 month wait (pre-existing condition). So I don’t know if something has changed or he was told something wrong. I am preparing for this taking 6+ months just in case.

Nothing else is new…still unemployed (unemployment just finished about 2 weeks ago) and the teaching jobs are not plenty. I am giving myself a few more weeks  before I really broaden my job search to anything I can do. It BLOWS. This year has gone by so fast. I feel I have accomplished nothing and so much, but mostly nothing. I hate to say how much I regret how I have spent my free time and lately have been spending it better, which could explain my lack of entries! Tackling basement and garage organization, working on the yard, etc. I hate when those types of things weigh on me too long.

My need for employment is a complete and utter struggle as my heart is not in the place to work. I really, really want to be my son’s caregiver. I know on very logical levels that my need to be home while he is at therapy is silly. But, because he is still napping and because I do drive him to things and try so hard to give him down time and normalcy…well it hurts to demand him into a 40 hour therapy so mommy can get a paycheck.

This mommy thing is hard. Sometimes much, much harder than you can imagine when you are child-less. And yet, on the other hand, I know perfectly well that I felt similarly when he was born. He is a June baby and the adjustment to motherhood was not ideal. I had no idea how to get help when i needed it. I resented those that didn’t burden me w/ their need to help. But, August eventually rolled around and teacher workshops popped out at me. I had totally forgotten that us teachers start school before the children. I made myself go into workshops. Showing pictures and videos of my new baby…even one fellow mother  mocking me for showing them off. She made me feel like a moron for my pride and love. I hated her for that. She had clearly forgotten what it felt like to return to work.  But, I did eventually adjust to the busy, busy day of a teacher’s life. Problems at work filled the corners of my mind. I left my child with my own mother, I relaxed. I remembered that at the end of the day; I am not just a mom. I was someone else before I had a child. I actually liked my job, friends, and family. Leaving him with someone else was hard, but it was also a necessity. Having him was like having my world altered so dramatically that it didn’t depress me, but it was really difficult. Returning to work gave me an opportunity to go back to being just me. And there really was no guilt because I had my own mother to carry me thru this. To love him as much as I do. This gave them (including grandpa) an awesome opportunity to bond very deeply. You should see his face when he gets to see them. I think he likes them better than us.

So here I am again. We are in a rhythm of the way things are and while I hardly spend every waking second with him, many days those seconds have been very hard. SO hard, in fact, that now I struggle imagining anyone else doing well with him. I see therapists struggle with him and they don’t try hard enough to “get him” sometimes. It makes me feel insecure, crazy – why can’t they do better after all of this time?

In my babbling here, I remembered I wanted to write a reflection of where my son was at 2 and now where’s at at 3. But, my old enties are useless. I don’t discuss his development. There is nothing there to see. So I think I will save it for a later time. Where he’s not screaming in the other room. When I haven’t already written so much. I will look up his ECSE reports and see if I can remember who he was at 2 in June. I know we have made some major strides and in other ways, not much has changed in my mind. (I am not minimizing his achievements, but he’s not talking yet and is currently crying like a baby in the other room…so you know). I better go tell him to go to bed. Again.