Minnesota Autism Mom

As usual, my mind is never off. I think of topics to bring up here, but then I quickly forget.  I think the big topic, is in direct relations to this thing (aka blog) I created, is that having a public blog is weird.

Yeah, let’s get weird. It’s weird that my audience has changed dramatically. It’s weird because I think that my intended audience is finding me, but is very silently stalking my blog. It’s really weird because people I know in my real life are reading this stuff and then know my stories before we talk. And I am not talking about 1 person, I am talking…like most of my friends.THIS IS SO WEIRD.

A part of me is so very weirded out that I want to silently stop blogging here and move back to LJ where I have a heavy bolt on that blog and find my peace behind knowing who might be reading my crap. Here…it’s too open. Is there a way to make people log in in WordPress?

Please feel free to comment – always. It at least let’s me know here that you read this so I am not stupidly repeating myself in public

Anyway – job search continues. My high of getting 2 job interviews has died back to nothing. I should be working on this job app right now actually.

As for my son – his screaming has died down to just times that he is really happy. His ability to take his finger nails across walls is not showing any decrease. Things at his school/program are better in some ways. Really only in the sense that I asked for communication/progress notes to be recorded differently and I feel a calm from this change. I am still not feeling well that they work hard enough on his goals, but I know there is a careful line to cross here.

Oh there are probably a million other things I could say, but I will have to stop now because it’s already 11 and I really need to go to bed.

Oh…and it’s our 4th year anniversary this Thurs. This means I have been in a relationship w/ a man for 7 years. I am astonished. I really didn’t know I had this in me. I can tell he is equally amazed. I know this is nothing to brag about, but for us…well, after having a child…it sort of is! Yeah – us

I found an animated version of “Goodnight Moon” on youtube today and it’s very well done. I think it will be a nice way to signify bedtime from here on out. We’ll still read books, but since he loved his copy of the book to the pt it’s ripped in half…I guess this is a nice 2nd option. The music is so sweet too.

I have had a handful of blog entry ideas, but between father’s day, son’s 3rd b-day, looking for a job, and yes actually spending time offline…this blog just reminds me that it’s hard to make time to write and be reflective. It’s much easier to find an article or a quick snip-it to share on Facebook.

We have decided to move forward with getting MCHA. Not excited to add another bill to the list OR to put one person on 3 insurance options, but it’s what we must do to move him into a different (and possibly better) ABA program. It took us a long time to make this decision, but it’s time to move on as soon as we can. Husband did some research and was told this could possibly only take a month, but everyone else has told me it’s a 6 month wait (pre-existing condition). So I don’t know if something has changed or he was told something wrong. I am preparing for this taking 6+ months just in case.

Nothing else is new…still unemployed (unemployment just finished about 2 weeks ago) and the teaching jobs are not plenty. I am giving myself a few more weeks  before I really broaden my job search to anything I can do. It BLOWS. This year has gone by so fast. I feel I have accomplished nothing and so much, but mostly nothing. I hate to say how much I regret how I have spent my free time and lately have been spending it better, which could explain my lack of entries! Tackling basement and garage organization, working on the yard, etc. I hate when those types of things weigh on me too long.

My need for employment is a complete and utter struggle as my heart is not in the place to work. I really, really want to be my son’s caregiver. I know on very logical levels that my need to be home while he is at therapy is silly. But, because he is still napping and because I do drive him to things and try so hard to give him down time and normalcy…well it hurts to demand him into a 40 hour therapy so mommy can get a paycheck.

This mommy thing is hard. Sometimes much, much harder than you can imagine when you are child-less. And yet, on the other hand, I know perfectly well that I felt similarly when he was born. He is a June baby and the adjustment to motherhood was not ideal. I had no idea how to get help when i needed it. I resented those that didn’t burden me w/ their need to help. But, August eventually rolled around and teacher workshops popped out at me. I had totally forgotten that us teachers start school before the children. I made myself go into workshops. Showing pictures and videos of my new baby…even one fellow mother  mocking me for showing them off. She made me feel like a moron for my pride and love. I hated her for that. She had clearly forgotten what it felt like to return to work.  But, I did eventually adjust to the busy, busy day of a teacher’s life. Problems at work filled the corners of my mind. I left my child with my own mother, I relaxed. I remembered that at the end of the day; I am not just a mom. I was someone else before I had a child. I actually liked my job, friends, and family. Leaving him with someone else was hard, but it was also a necessity. Having him was like having my world altered so dramatically that it didn’t depress me, but it was really difficult. Returning to work gave me an opportunity to go back to being just me. And there really was no guilt because I had my own mother to carry me thru this. To love him as much as I do. This gave them (including grandpa) an awesome opportunity to bond very deeply. You should see his face when he gets to see them. I think he likes them better than us.

So here I am again. We are in a rhythm of the way things are and while I hardly spend every waking second with him, many days those seconds have been very hard. SO hard, in fact, that now I struggle imagining anyone else doing well with him. I see therapists struggle with him and they don’t try hard enough to “get him” sometimes. It makes me feel insecure, crazy – why can’t they do better after all of this time?

In my babbling here, I remembered I wanted to write a reflection of where my son was at 2 and now where’s at at 3. But, my old enties are useless. I don’t discuss his development. There is nothing there to see. So I think I will save it for a later time. Where he’s not screaming in the other room. When I haven’t already written so much. I will look up his ECSE reports and see if I can remember who he was at 2 in June. I know we have made some major strides and in other ways, not much has changed in my mind. (I am not minimizing his achievements, but he’s not talking yet and is currently crying like a baby in the other room…so you know). I better go tell him to go to bed. Again.