Minnesota Autism Mom

I am feeling sort of all emotional right now. I just got a chance to sit down to my personal computer after having some serious time away and here my little blog is featured on FB Autism Speaks fan page. I just can’t believe how many people said my story about going to Walmart made them tear up a little. That’s crazy. I thought I was the only one that was so sensitive to leave Walmart in a teary mode! So, if you are just discovering my little place on the net to mostly bitch – welcome! Please join me! Just don’t bitch about  me to me. I just don’t have the energy for complaints, but in all seriousness I would prefer to be writing to someone. Otherwise…why do I have a blog. So again, thank you.

Which reminds me – thank you random person on FB – I know my template sucks. I will change it the day I learn how. I am just super paranoid of losing my entries now.

I also don’t have time. I mean, really, I don’t. I shouldn’t be writing right now. I should be working on lesson plans and how my “Back to School” night is going to go down. This has been one hell of a week.

And I mean – hell. And then I don’t. Because I am very much liking so much about my new place of employment, but there is a hand full of things that are so different from working in a district (ok, public school) that I didn’t expect. I couldn’t have imagined to ask and now I wouldn’t dream of walking away at this pt, but yikes. Then there was the total disorganization piece. Having to ask for w2′s and keys, etc. On top of being required to attend workshops every second….and then let’s remember I have to leave at 4 because I live an hour away from my job. I have a child that is at his grandma’s and she is not interested in taking care of him until 8 every night. So the luxuries of being a motherless, husbandless woman/days are over. Really over. I didn’t notice the last time I started a new teaching job because I didn’t have these 2 essential humans in my life and I was not a homeowner. Things have changed. Oh, and let me add, most of my co-workers are neither married, have family in this country, friends, let alone a toddler (w/ special needs).

*shoulder shrugs* I was at work until 7:30 yesterday. Yes, that was a Friday night. Then I went a teacher store to pick up room decorations. So I guess I got home at 9. I didn’t even get to see my boy…at all…yesterday. I cried last night. I let it all out on hubby. I needed him to know where I was at mentally. And about 5 mins ago I realized I am probably either PMS’ing or about to next week. SWEET!

So one week until kids return to school. I am far from ready, but if they came tomorrow I could handle it. Staying late did help, but I am in a serious mood of “this kind of sucks to have to work again”. This past year went by so fast, it’s crazy. I played too much Mafia Wars. I suck.

Eh.

One day at a time. I know. I am just saying. This week flew by and I didn’t feel like I got done all that needed to be done. Now I have 4 days to Open House and my to-do list isn’t getting any shorter any faster. So I guess I need to go do something more meaniful than this!

So something that really hit home last week,  despite not working…the stress of having a special needs child can feel quite stressful even when you are not working. Sure, you might say – that’s obvious. But, it wasn’t to me as this year off has calmed my soul in many ways. But, I thought it was simply from not balancing a FT job (with 100′s of students) and a toddler. But, no. Sometimes the stress for your child is enough and then you just have to deal w/ everything else. It just adds to it, but at the end of the day…it is just the issues revolving around your own kid.

The stress has already passed for now. I am just saying…a lot of stuff came to light in the last 2 weeks. I felt my head filling w/ a 1,000 questions again. A million “what if”s” and “how will we do X, Y, Z”? It gets old. It’s the same stuff over and over. There are no real solid answers.

The good news is that he is doing well. He’s healthy and he has even started say “uh-oh” very intentionally, spotateionsly, appropriately. It’s amazing. I giggle in pure delight every time he says it. A sound that we don’t need to prompt. He has picked this up from me saying in a trillion times.

And lately, teaching has become easier. He picked up “show me your tongue”, “show me your belly button” like he has always known. I am working on hair, toes, nose, eyes, etc. What else does he already know?Sometimes I am amazed. I was questioning his knowledge of colors. He knows so many. Wow…amazing. A healthy reminder to keep your expectations high and assume your non-verbal child knows all rather than little.

While this is exciting, it’s clear not everything, not most things will be or have been so “easy”. I get glimpses of what it must be like to have an NT child when he picks up something easily. I am humbled as I try and teach him something new. He fusses, he physically removes himself from me when he feels my education burdening him. He is overwhelmed. I get it, but it’s frustrating to me too. I could show you so much little one. Please let me. Please.

As I told you on FB, I had a job interview today. It went well. I guess. I tried to crack a joke, but I actually had to say I was kidding for the 8 people in the room to smile. UGH. They were so uptight. I felt like I was interviewing them. If I asked them to repeat themselves (I mean I wasn’t horribly nervous, but I couldn’t always catch the pt of the question because of my internal diaglogue), they didn’t know what they had even asked! They would have to read it back to be verbetium. It was a bit annoying in some aspects. Too much verbage…just say diversity, conflict, etc. That’s what I had to do in my own head to answer the ? some what appropriately. Listen for key words and then address it because the questions were too wordy. I never knew if I was saying enough. They would just move on. That would bring me relief. Shit, I don’t know what 4 cultures we should study this school year. Why do we have to do school like that? This is a mostly caucasian school, we aren’t going to learn about culture well this way…seriously. I am just saying.

I was really annoyed, but of course didn’t show it, that they won’t call us until July 30th. Hm, it’s it’s July 12th. It takes you 3 weeks to make a decision about 2 art ed jobs? Really? OK…?

I think I have another job interview coming up. I hope I get an offer before that, but this is the job I really want. So cross your fingers or whatever. I really would rather teach right now then decide what my new career is going to be. Should I go back to retail? Customer service? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo – I need a teaching job. Please Mr. Universe – find me a teaching job.

Just finished applying for an elem. job in Mpls.

Just finished emailing a provider about an eval. My son is at the top of the list for a program that I am wishy-washy about. Well, I am wishy-washy about all of them. I am so tired of not knowing where our son should go to “school”. We decided to move forward with one and keep the one he goes to to make a full time program. It sucks for 2 reasons. 1 – medical transportation…but, I would get over it. 2 – 2 totally different approaches to ASD not sure if this will confuse him or me more. oh! And 3 – now they are telling me they don’t think MA will cover both programs as they bill similarly.

Which is so confusing! They just told me over a week ago that they are pretty sure that it will be fine. A part of me just wants to be like F@# it. It’s probably going to be a problem because you can’t figure it out. It’s like the real answer is, we need to find out before we’ll know for sure. Bottom line – not my problem. I learned that if an MA provider doesn’t want to do the leg work, then they are out the money – not me. They have to figure it out because they cannot send you a bill if they are an MA provider. So, hm?

Maybe we just need to send him to MAC? I want to send him to Autism Matters, but they don’t take MA yet for ABA services. I hope they will sooner than later. I just don’t know if I am comfortable with DT/ABA. I think VB just makes more sense to me and that is what he gets now.