Minnesota Autism Mom

I am feeling sort of all emotional right now. I just got a chance to sit down to my personal computer after having some serious time away and here my little blog is featured on FB Autism Speaks fan page. I just can’t believe how many people said my story about going to Walmart made them tear up a little. That’s crazy. I thought I was the only one that was so sensitive to leave Walmart in a teary mode! So, if you are just discovering my little place on the net to mostly bitch – welcome! Please join me! Just don’t bitch about  me to me. I just don’t have the energy for complaints, but in all seriousness I would prefer to be writing to someone. Otherwise…why do I have a blog. So again, thank you.

Which reminds me – thank you random person on FB – I know my template sucks. I will change it the day I learn how. I am just super paranoid of losing my entries now.

I also don’t have time. I mean, really, I don’t. I shouldn’t be writing right now. I should be working on lesson plans and how my “Back to School” night is going to go down. This has been one hell of a week.

And I mean – hell. And then I don’t. Because I am very much liking so much about my new place of employment, but there is a hand full of things that are so different from working in a district (ok, public school) that I didn’t expect. I couldn’t have imagined to ask and now I wouldn’t dream of walking away at this pt, but yikes. Then there was the total disorganization piece. Having to ask for w2′s and keys, etc. On top of being required to attend workshops every second….and then let’s remember I have to leave at 4 because I live an hour away from my job. I have a child that is at his grandma’s and she is not interested in taking care of him until 8 every night. So the luxuries of being a motherless, husbandless woman/days are over. Really over. I didn’t notice the last time I started a new teaching job because I didn’t have these 2 essential humans in my life and I was not a homeowner. Things have changed. Oh, and let me add, most of my co-workers are neither married, have family in this country, friends, let alone a toddler (w/ special needs).

*shoulder shrugs* I was at work until 7:30 yesterday. Yes, that was a Friday night. Then I went a teacher store to pick up room decorations. So I guess I got home at 9. I didn’t even get to see my boy…at all…yesterday. I cried last night. I let it all out on hubby. I needed him to know where I was at mentally. And about 5 mins ago I realized I am probably either PMS’ing or about to next week. SWEET!

So one week until kids return to school. I am far from ready, but if they came tomorrow I could handle it. Staying late did help, but I am in a serious mood of “this kind of sucks to have to work again”. This past year went by so fast, it’s crazy. I played too much Mafia Wars. I suck.

Eh.

One day at a time. I know. I am just saying. This week flew by and I didn’t feel like I got done all that needed to be done. Now I have 4 days to Open House and my to-do list isn’t getting any shorter any faster. So I guess I need to go do something more meaniful than this!

My emotions have settled a bit in terms of returning to work. I have kept so busy since Monday am, there hasn’t been too much time to reflect. I spent Mon and Tues frantically rearranging and cleaning my new room. The former teacher left my room in one big dump. I know why, but I don’t appreciate it. I am having trouble determining what she did w/ the children, but I honestly don’t care either. Between books and online resources; I have a million ideas. Now I just need to figure out what will work best.

Cleaning for 2 days is a crappy way to start a new job. I was so exhausted, I came home w/ my son, threw him in a bath and to bed…to basically just do the same thing myself. I think I passed out on the couch last night and dragged my behind to bed once I realized I couldn’t “stay up” any longer. I am happy to say that I don’t feel this exhaustion today. I sat in meetings/inservices/workshops all day.

It started so strangely. I immediately recognized a woman that entered the room. Or I was pretty sure. I found a moment and reacquainted myself w/ what ended up being my Spanish teacher of 3 years in high school. I am not sure if she really remembered me, but she was a really good speaker. I always liked her and was happy to find out that she has taken her career to a new level working w/ schools such as mine. She was so good w/ us that I was starting to wonder if my memories of certain former classmates taking advantage of her kindness was even true. She is the teacher I sadly remember not having much of a spine (or rather classroom manangment). I wondered silently to myself if this is why she is no longer in the classroom herself.

While her presentation was really good; it didn’t apply to me professionally. It did apply to me for my son. She discussed language acquistion and while she was primarly speaking to the native Chinese speakers who are going to teach Chinese to MN kids…she was speaking to me about my son’s struggle to acquire his first language. For some reason, as she discussed how easy or magically it appears that people learn language…blah, blah…all I could think about was all of the non-verbal children I have met in person or online. I wanted to say, but what about our kids w/ ASD or other issues? It’s not so easy for everyone. But, it OBVIOUSLY was not about that. I just let my emotions flow in and out. Letting it go. Not even sure at this time what she was saying that could have me burst out in tears and run out of the room in embarassment. But, there it was. These feelings…these feelings of grief, maybe pity? Are still lying gently below the surface of “I have my shit together” facade. I really don’t, have my shit together, I am going back to work for my family financially. My hope is that the return to work will help me shift from intense focus on my son, back to myself a bit and contribute to our bills. I know in time being a working mom will feel natural and normal.

Until then, the school is super disorganized and if I wasn’t a 5th year teacher they would have had me in tears the first day. Not speaking Chinese hardly helps in this environment. This will take some getting used to because other than the few of us that are allowed to not know Chinese…the rest of the Chinese speakers will be expected to ONLY speak Chinese. Something tells me it’s going to be very hard to get to know my co-workers if we have to whisper. Yes, these are the rules. And I don’t mind. I am just saying. I am in a little China. This is nothing I am used to. Even learning my new c0-workers names is becoming challenging. There are a lot of people, but then when they tell me their names…I have no frame of reference. It doesn’t sound like anything I know and it drifts in one ear and out the other as I wonder to myself…what did she just say? Can I even pronounce that? Maybe I can call her “girl” – like “Hey girl!” instead of learning names. Let’s add the 380 student names to the list and I feel just screwed on that front.

I have so much more I probably could write tonite, but I really don’t have time. Which I hate. I just need some frickin’ me time. But, son won’t go to sleep easily…so off to give him more food and try again. He has to be tired, but he could be hungry. Let the guessing game begin!

I don’t prefer to shop at Walmart. So these recent FB postings (from various sources) telling me to boycott Target because they gave some money to a politician…is not going to sway me from my beloved Target.

But that said, I still ended up at Walmart today. I wanted to see if they had fall flowers and any heavily discounted flowers. The answer is no. It was a waste of our time, but it ended up being one of the more interesting trips to the W.

My son was wearing his Autism Speaks Walk shirt from last fall. This young employee was standing in front of the carts and he was clearly reading my son’s shirt and not moving. Something about his inability to notice I was waiting for him to move + reading made me realize immediately what I knew might happen letting my son leave the house in that shirt. It wasn’t a bad thing, it’s just a poster board of “my kid has autism”. Something in his inability to do these 2 things simultaneously or his non-verbal told me immediately not only were we going to discuss my son’s ASD, but that he was going to say he has ASD too. And I was right because under the very loud fans I heard him sort of ask if he has autism. And then realized, I have never discussed my son’s ASD w/ a person w/ ASD. I wasn’t nervous or anything, I just wasn’t sure what to expect. And it ended up being so sweet. Like seriously, tear jerking sweet. This young man was so interested in my son. I know he wanted to tell me everything about himself. I think he wanted to tell me not to worry. He wanted to fill my head w/ advice. He wanted to know my son. He seemed to be watching him to see what he was like at 3. He was looking for answers and he wanted to give some to me too.

He told me about Fraser and going to some sort of social group once a month and being picked on growing up in the south. I have never learned so much about a Walmart employee and never before in such a short time.  He watched my son push around a regular sized cart. It is awkward and funny to me because, very recently, I am not allowed to help. My 3 year old shoves my hands off the cart. It is so very clear. MOM, I can do this, stop helping! But, he really can’t and I have already learned how to direct the cart quickly so he doesn’t get a chance to shove my hands to the side. This is cute because he’s 3. I love that he is growing into his independence.

And that was the thing about this young man at Walmart. I was so proud of him too. I wanted to tell him so, I bet his parents are so proud that he’s working and seems so bright. But, I didn’t because I don’t know him or them, but I just felt they better be if they are not. So I was proud of him, just in case.

He gave my son candy as a trade for the cart. It hardly worked, but I appreciated the young man reminding me to help him find his strengths and that he did a little parenting 101 bride to get the cart from him.

My heart was full as I walked out w/ my little man. I felt so glad this exchange went well. It was so interesting to watch him watch my child. I told him I was happy to meet him and I wished him well. Had we not been at his place of employment, I would have spent more time w/ him. I would have let him really tell me whatever he thought I needed to hear. I hope he knows I appreciated it. I tried to show him that he did not over step any boundaries, as I saw him so carefully planning out his words.

I am curious if you have had this experience too. How did it go? How did the adult or teenager engage your child or you? Was it awkward? Feeling like you might say something offensive, etc? Or was it sweet and appreciated like it was for me today?

I just accepted a  job. I didn’t negotiate because I am a wuss and it’s not natural to me to ask for more. Sadly, true. But, the pay is good and unlike any job I have ever had…I can get more money w/ bonuses.

I am excited. I am nervous. I do not know why I feel little butterflies. I am also a little sad. Only 2 more weeks on this lovely schedule. If my little one is a bear and hard to handle, it will make it easier. If he is sweet and we have a lot of fun, you know my heart will be breaking.

He will be going to his ABA therapy place 40 hours a week. 8-5 Mon-Fri. Not what I really want. I am not really convinced he is oh so ready for this major change in lifestyle, but I would have to send him somewhere. He needs to be with people who know him and can teach him properly. (oh how I pray they do not just a good job, but a great job each and every day).

And my baby is growing up. I stared at him in his crib today. Looking how he nearly stretches across the entire bed, but he never fills it up because he likes to sleep in a curled up fetal position. He is not my baby, but he is. How will I help him transition to a big boy bed? I wanted to help him do this by the end of the summer. I wanted to do it when my sleep didn’t matter as much. I don’t think he’s ready. I tried again last night. I don’t know how to get him to understand he has to stay in bed. Maybe it’s time for a baby gate. Or maybe I can get one of those bigger gates that I could put around the bed and then get rid of it when he stops trying to get out? I don’t know. I don’t even know how important this is. I know I would like to do this before going to toileting. We are working on taking pants off. He knows what we are asking, but I think he has motor planning issues that are interfering. hmpf.

I have a lot on my mind. Typing about it today, isn’t getting anything done. Plus, I already have to go get him from school. I just wasted this morning on sleeping and nerves. Blah.

My lil one just got sick. Like really sick. Like..I have never seen him really throw-up before. He was clearly upset and wouldn’t drink anything. I can’t imagine what his mouth is like. Did I tell you he will no longer drink water or milk? Yeah, that’s super fun. Let’s chalk this up to another super fun phase. My solution? Watered down juice. Keep watering it down until it’s finally water. I don’t know what else to do. He used to like these things. He has gone days w/out drinking. This is why I had to go back to giving him juice. This was beyond some petty power struggle. Or I lost. I don’t know.

Anyway – NO idea where this sick thing just came from. We got him from school as usual. No report of having a bad day or symptoms. We took him to Wendy’s where all he did was drink pop and pretend to eat the hamburger we bought him. Yes, pretend. He is learning to take the world’s smallest bite so he can get what he wants. Which would be pop.

Then we went to the beach and had a good time. He sat in the shallowest part of the water and played with the water. Mostly just filling up his bucket, cup by cup. It was purposeful. This was fun. I felt normal. I even forgot about the screaming in Wendy’s where my husband kept telling me it was ok as I asked our child to quiet down. I have grown self-concious. I could see the people’s looks from the corner of my eye. They were real. They weren’t real annoyed. Just a little.

We went to DQ on the way home. Wow, we really eat healthy! Lil man now couldn’t eat enough of my dessert (see how I justify my caloric intake) and fell asleep easily as soon as we got home.

But, he didn’t want to wake from his nap. I had to make him. He ate Fruit Loops dry and I tried to make my own dinner. He only complied if he could physically be sitting on me or held. And then that’s where he acted different. He just was so sleepy. He wasn’t in a bad mood. He didn’t want to do anything. We watched Mickey, Blues Clues, but he prefered those stations that just play music. It was weird. Then he started fussing. I decided, ok, it’s 7 pm. You can go to bed now…I guess. And as we got up, he barfed. ew.

I don’t know why I wrote this down. I hope that he’s ok and that now that he got sick, it’s out of him. We have swimming lessons and a b-day party tomorrow. I would love to not be home w/ a sick child. But, I guess I can’t control this Wish me luck.

As usual, my mind is never off. I think of topics to bring up here, but then I quickly forget.  I think the big topic, is in direct relations to this thing (aka blog) I created, is that having a public blog is weird.

Yeah, let’s get weird. It’s weird that my audience has changed dramatically. It’s weird because I think that my intended audience is finding me, but is very silently stalking my blog. It’s really weird because people I know in my real life are reading this stuff and then know my stories before we talk. And I am not talking about 1 person, I am talking…like most of my friends.THIS IS SO WEIRD.

A part of me is so very weirded out that I want to silently stop blogging here and move back to LJ where I have a heavy bolt on that blog and find my peace behind knowing who might be reading my crap. Here…it’s too open. Is there a way to make people log in in WordPress?

Please feel free to comment – always. It at least let’s me know here that you read this so I am not stupidly repeating myself in public

Anyway – job search continues. My high of getting 2 job interviews has died back to nothing. I should be working on this job app right now actually.

As for my son – his screaming has died down to just times that he is really happy. His ability to take his finger nails across walls is not showing any decrease. Things at his school/program are better in some ways. Really only in the sense that I asked for communication/progress notes to be recorded differently and I feel a calm from this change. I am still not feeling well that they work hard enough on his goals, but I know there is a careful line to cross here.

Oh there are probably a million other things I could say, but I will have to stop now because it’s already 11 and I really need to go to bed.

Oh…and it’s our 4th year anniversary this Thurs. This means I have been in a relationship w/ a man for 7 years. I am astonished. I really didn’t know I had this in me. I can tell he is equally amazed. I know this is nothing to brag about, but for us…well, after having a child…it sort of is! Yeah – us

So something that really hit home last week,  despite not working…the stress of having a special needs child can feel quite stressful even when you are not working. Sure, you might say – that’s obvious. But, it wasn’t to me as this year off has calmed my soul in many ways. But, I thought it was simply from not balancing a FT job (with 100′s of students) and a toddler. But, no. Sometimes the stress for your child is enough and then you just have to deal w/ everything else. It just adds to it, but at the end of the day…it is just the issues revolving around your own kid.

The stress has already passed for now. I am just saying…a lot of stuff came to light in the last 2 weeks. I felt my head filling w/ a 1,000 questions again. A million “what if”s” and “how will we do X, Y, Z”? It gets old. It’s the same stuff over and over. There are no real solid answers.

The good news is that he is doing well. He’s healthy and he has even started say “uh-oh” very intentionally, spotateionsly, appropriately. It’s amazing. I giggle in pure delight every time he says it. A sound that we don’t need to prompt. He has picked this up from me saying in a trillion times.

And lately, teaching has become easier. He picked up “show me your tongue”, “show me your belly button” like he has always known. I am working on hair, toes, nose, eyes, etc. What else does he already know?Sometimes I am amazed. I was questioning his knowledge of colors. He knows so many. Wow…amazing. A healthy reminder to keep your expectations high and assume your non-verbal child knows all rather than little.

While this is exciting, it’s clear not everything, not most things will be or have been so “easy”. I get glimpses of what it must be like to have an NT child when he picks up something easily. I am humbled as I try and teach him something new. He fusses, he physically removes himself from me when he feels my education burdening him. He is overwhelmed. I get it, but it’s frustrating to me too. I could show you so much little one. Please let me. Please.

As I told you on FB, I had a job interview today. It went well. I guess. I tried to crack a joke, but I actually had to say I was kidding for the 8 people in the room to smile. UGH. They were so uptight. I felt like I was interviewing them. If I asked them to repeat themselves (I mean I wasn’t horribly nervous, but I couldn’t always catch the pt of the question because of my internal diaglogue), they didn’t know what they had even asked! They would have to read it back to be verbetium. It was a bit annoying in some aspects. Too much verbage…just say diversity, conflict, etc. That’s what I had to do in my own head to answer the ? some what appropriately. Listen for key words and then address it because the questions were too wordy. I never knew if I was saying enough. They would just move on. That would bring me relief. Shit, I don’t know what 4 cultures we should study this school year. Why do we have to do school like that? This is a mostly caucasian school, we aren’t going to learn about culture well this way…seriously. I am just saying.

I was really annoyed, but of course didn’t show it, that they won’t call us until July 30th. Hm, it’s it’s July 12th. It takes you 3 weeks to make a decision about 2 art ed jobs? Really? OK…?

I think I have another job interview coming up. I hope I get an offer before that, but this is the job I really want. So cross your fingers or whatever. I really would rather teach right now then decide what my new career is going to be. Should I go back to retail? Customer service? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo – I need a teaching job. Please Mr. Universe – find me a teaching job.

Dear School Districts:

I think you suck at job postings. You waste both of our time by not posting the classes you want a teacher to teach. For example, instead of saying “hiring high school art teacher at X district”. Try expanding on that thought and point out that you want them to teach ceramics instead of painting or art on computers, etcs. Do you understand? It’s a waste of time for me to drive 45 mins to your school district, it’s a waste of your time to bother discussing this with me in person, and for me to fill out an application for a job that I cannot do. I am sure this has applied in the past. We can change things. Let’s start now as I need a job and you to need to find the right person for the job. I think your lack of details reflects badly on school districts at large. Can we get our shit together now?

Sincerely,

Unemployed teacher

So, I’ll go ahead and laugh a little about my last post. As soon as I got home, I got one call from a local school to teach media arts. Then I got another. The universe is so, so strange. I can’t believe I will be at an interview tomorrow morning instead of buying a tree. Yes, that is what I was going to do tomorrow. Plans have been rearranged until further notice.

Oh…fuck me. It’s fucking July already!!!!!!!!! Oh my god. where did the time go? Where did June go? Now I have to look for a job. Any job. A job that requires a 4 year degree. Maybe one that requires a high school diploma because seriously…what am I going to do if I don’t teach? I can’t graphics design. I can’t sale. I am not going to stand on my feet. I am not going to take some shit job delivering pizzas at 32. No, I cannot, will not eat green eggs and ham.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why are there no teaching jobs? Why? Why?

So I write this and thinks to myself…”yes. Now maybe you’ll get a call for a simple interview”. I thinks to myself “yes, now writing this down changes my story so I am not going to settle for a customer service job while someone else gets to play with my son”.

THis blows monkey ass no matter how it plays out. The end.