Out of the house, back to work soon
by admin on Jul.30, 2010, under 2010
I just accepted a job. I didn’t negotiate because I am a wuss and it’s not natural to me to ask for more. Sadly, true. But, the pay is good and unlike any job I have ever had…I can get more money w/ bonuses.
I am excited. I am nervous. I do not know why I feel little butterflies. I am also a little sad. Only 2 more weeks on this lovely schedule. If my little one is a bear and hard to handle, it will make it easier. If he is sweet and we have a lot of fun, you know my heart will be breaking.
He will be going to his ABA therapy place 40 hours a week. 8-5 Mon-Fri. Not what I really want. I am not really convinced he is oh so ready for this major change in lifestyle, but I would have to send him somewhere. He needs to be with people who know him and can teach him properly. (oh how I pray they do not just a good job, but a great job each and every day).
And my baby is growing up. I stared at him in his crib today. Looking how he nearly stretches across the entire bed, but he never fills it up because he likes to sleep in a curled up fetal position. He is not my baby, but he is. How will I help him transition to a big boy bed? I wanted to help him do this by the end of the summer. I wanted to do it when my sleep didn’t matter as much. I don’t think he’s ready. I tried again last night. I don’t know how to get him to understand he has to stay in bed. Maybe it’s time for a baby gate. Or maybe I can get one of those bigger gates that I could put around the bed and then get rid of it when he stops trying to get out? I don’t know. I don’t even know how important this is. I know I would like to do this before going to toileting. We are working on taking pants off. He knows what we are asking, but I think he has motor planning issues that are interfering. hmpf.
I have a lot on my mind. Typing about it today, isn’t getting anything done. Plus, I already have to go get him from school. I just wasted this morning on sleeping and nerves. Blah.
Sort of a normal, nice day
by admin on Jul.24, 2010, under 2010
My lil one just got sick. Like really sick. Like..I have never seen him really throw-up before. He was clearly upset and wouldn’t drink anything. I can’t imagine what his mouth is like. Did I tell you he will no longer drink water or milk? Yeah, that’s super fun. Let’s chalk this up to another super fun phase. My solution? Watered down juice. Keep watering it down until it’s finally water. I don’t know what else to do. He used to like these things. He has gone days w/out drinking. This is why I had to go back to giving him juice. This was beyond some petty power struggle. Or I lost. I don’t know.
Anyway – NO idea where this sick thing just came from. We got him from school as usual. No report of having a bad day or symptoms. We took him to Wendy’s where all he did was drink pop and pretend to eat the hamburger we bought him. Yes, pretend. He is learning to take the world’s smallest bite so he can get what he wants. Which would be pop.
Then we went to the beach and had a good time. He sat in the shallowest part of the water and played with the water. Mostly just filling up his bucket, cup by cup. It was purposeful. This was fun. I felt normal. I even forgot about the screaming in Wendy’s where my husband kept telling me it was ok as I asked our child to quiet down. I have grown self-concious. I could see the people’s looks from the corner of my eye. They were real. They weren’t real annoyed. Just a little.
We went to DQ on the way home. Wow, we really eat healthy! Lil man now couldn’t eat enough of my dessert (see how I justify my caloric intake) and fell asleep easily as soon as we got home.
But, he didn’t want to wake from his nap. I had to make him. He ate Fruit Loops dry and I tried to make my own dinner. He only complied if he could physically be sitting on me or held. And then that’s where he acted different. He just was so sleepy. He wasn’t in a bad mood. He didn’t want to do anything. We watched Mickey, Blues Clues, but he prefered those stations that just play music. It was weird. Then he started fussing. I decided, ok, it’s 7 pm. You can go to bed now…I guess. And as we got up, he barfed. ew.
I don’t know why I wrote this down. I hope that he’s ok and that now that he got sick, it’s out of him. We have swimming lessons and a b-day party tomorrow. I would love to not be home w/ a sick child. But, I guess I can’t control this 
Wish me luck.
Blogging to no one and everyone
by admin on Jul.20, 2010, under 2010
As usual, my mind is never off. I think of topics to bring up here, but then I quickly forget. I think the big topic, is in direct relations to this thing (aka blog) I created, is that having a public blog is weird.
Yeah, let’s get weird. It’s weird that my audience has changed dramatically. It’s weird because I think that my intended audience is finding me, but is very silently stalking my blog. It’s really weird because people I know in my real life are reading this stuff and then know my stories before we talk. And I am not talking about 1 person, I am talking…like most of my friends.THIS IS SO WEIRD.
A part of me is so very weirded out that I want to silently stop blogging here and move back to LJ where I have a heavy bolt on that blog and find my peace behind knowing who might be reading my crap. Here…it’s too open. Is there a way to make people log in in WordPress?
Please feel free to comment – always. It at least let’s me know here that you read this so I am not stupidly repeating myself in public 
Anyway – job search continues. My high of getting 2 job interviews has died back to nothing. I should be working on this job app right now actually.
As for my son – his screaming has died down to just times that he is really happy. His ability to take his finger nails across walls is not showing any decrease. Things at his school/program are better in some ways. Really only in the sense that I asked for communication/progress notes to be recorded differently and I feel a calm from this change. I am still not feeling well that they work hard enough on his goals, but I know there is a careful line to cross here.
Oh there are probably a million other things I could say, but I will have to stop now because it’s already 11 and I really need to go to bed.
Oh…and it’s our 4th year anniversary this Thurs. This means I have been in a relationship w/ a man for 7 years. I am astonished. I really didn’t know I had this in me. I can tell he is equally amazed. I know this is nothing to brag about, but for us…well, after having a child…it sort of is! Yeah – us
Interviews and stress…ish.
by admin on Jul.12, 2010, under 2010
So something that really hit home last week, despite not working…the stress of having a special needs child can feel quite stressful even when you are not working. Sure, you might say – that’s obvious. But, it wasn’t to me as this year off has calmed my soul in many ways. But, I thought it was simply from not balancing a FT job (with 100′s of students) and a toddler. But, no. Sometimes the stress for your child is enough and then you just have to deal w/ everything else. It just adds to it, but at the end of the day…it is just the issues revolving around your own kid.
The stress has already passed for now. I am just saying…a lot of stuff came to light in the last 2 weeks. I felt my head filling w/ a 1,000 questions again. A million “what if”s” and “how will we do X, Y, Z”? It gets old. It’s the same stuff over and over. There are no real solid answers.
The good news is that he is doing well. He’s healthy and he has even started say “uh-oh” very intentionally, spotateionsly, appropriately. It’s amazing. I giggle in pure delight every time he says it. A sound that we don’t need to prompt. He has picked this up from me saying in a trillion times.
And lately, teaching has become easier. He picked up “show me your tongue”, “show me your belly button” like he has always known. I am working on hair, toes, nose, eyes, etc. What else does he already know?Sometimes I am amazed. I was questioning his knowledge of colors. He knows so many. Wow…amazing. A healthy reminder to keep your expectations high and assume your non-verbal child knows all rather than little.
While this is exciting, it’s clear not everything, not most things will be or have been so “easy”. I get glimpses of what it must be like to have an NT child when he picks up something easily. I am humbled as I try and teach him something new. He fusses, he physically removes himself from me when he feels my education burdening him. He is overwhelmed. I get it, but it’s frustrating to me too. I could show you so much little one. Please let me. Please.
As I told you on FB, I had a job interview today. It went well. I guess. I tried to crack a joke, but I actually had to say I was kidding for the 8 people in the room to smile. UGH. They were so uptight. I felt like I was interviewing them. If I asked them to repeat themselves (I mean I wasn’t horribly nervous, but I couldn’t always catch the pt of the question because of my internal diaglogue), they didn’t know what they had even asked! They would have to read it back to be verbetium. It was a bit annoying in some aspects. Too much verbage…just say diversity, conflict, etc. That’s what I had to do in my own head to answer the ? some what appropriately. Listen for key words and then address it because the questions were too wordy. I never knew if I was saying enough. They would just move on. That would bring me relief. Shit, I don’t know what 4 cultures we should study this school year. Why do we have to do school like that? This is a mostly caucasian school, we aren’t going to learn about culture well this way…seriously. I am just saying.
I was really annoyed, but of course didn’t show it, that they won’t call us until July 30th. Hm, it’s it’s July 12th. It takes you 3 weeks to make a decision about 2 art ed jobs? Really? OK…?
I think I have another job interview coming up. I hope I get an offer before that, but this is the job I really want. So cross your fingers or whatever. I really would rather teach right now then decide what my new career is going to be. Should I go back to retail? Customer service? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooo – I need a teaching job. Please Mr. Universe – find me a teaching job.
At least I have another job interview Monday
by admin on Jul.07, 2010, under 2010
Dear School Districts:
I think you suck at job postings. You waste both of our time by not posting the classes you want a teacher to teach. For example, instead of saying “hiring high school art teacher at X district”. Try expanding on that thought and point out that you want them to teach ceramics instead of painting or art on computers, etcs. Do you understand? It’s a waste of time for me to drive 45 mins to your school district, it’s a waste of your time to bother discussing this with me in person, and for me to fill out an application for a job that I cannot do. I am sure this has applied in the past. We can change things. Let’s start now as I need a job and you to need to find the right person for the job. I think your lack of details reflects badly on school districts at large. Can we get our shit together now?
Sincerely,
Unemployed teacher
I breathe now.
by admin on Jul.07, 2010, under 2010
So, I’ll go ahead and laugh a little about my last post. As soon as I got home, I got one call from a local school to teach media arts. Then I got another. The universe is so, so strange. I can’t believe I will be at an interview tomorrow morning instead of buying a tree. Yes, that is what I was going to do tomorrow. Plans have been rearranged until further notice.
Sometimes life just keeps on sucking.
by admin on Jul.06, 2010, under 2010
Oh…fuck me. It’s fucking July already!!!!!!!!! Oh my god. where did the time go? Where did June go? Now I have to look for a job. Any job. A job that requires a 4 year degree. Maybe one that requires a high school diploma because seriously…what am I going to do if I don’t teach? I can’t graphics design. I can’t sale. I am not going to stand on my feet. I am not going to take some shit job delivering pizzas at 32. No, I cannot, will not eat green eggs and ham.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why are there no teaching jobs? Why? Why?
So I write this and thinks to myself…”yes. Now maybe you’ll get a call for a simple interview”. I thinks to myself “yes, now writing this down changes my story so I am not going to settle for a customer service job while someone else gets to play with my son”.
THis blows monkey ass no matter how it plays out. The end.
A job ain’t nothing but work
by admin on Jun.28, 2010, under 2010
I found an animated version of “Goodnight Moon” on youtube today and it’s very well done. I think it will be a nice way to signify bedtime from here on out. We’ll still read books, but since he loved his copy of the book to the pt it’s ripped in half…I guess this is a nice 2nd option. The music is so sweet too.
I have had a handful of blog entry ideas, but between father’s day, son’s 3rd b-day, looking for a job, and yes actually spending time offline…this blog just reminds me that it’s hard to make time to write and be reflective. It’s much easier to find an article or a quick snip-it to share on Facebook.
We have decided to move forward with getting MCHA. Not excited to add another bill to the list OR to put one person on 3 insurance options, but it’s what we must do to move him into a different (and possibly better) ABA program. It took us a long time to make this decision, but it’s time to move on as soon as we can. Husband did some research and was told this could possibly only take a month, but everyone else has told me it’s a 6 month wait (pre-existing condition). So I don’t know if something has changed or he was told something wrong. I am preparing for this taking 6+ months just in case.
Nothing else is new…still unemployed (unemployment just finished about 2 weeks ago) and the teaching jobs are not plenty. I am giving myself a few more weeks before I really broaden my job search to anything I can do. It BLOWS. This year has gone by so fast. I feel I have accomplished nothing and so much, but mostly nothing. I hate to say how much I regret how I have spent my free time and lately have been spending it better, which could explain my lack of entries! Tackling basement and garage organization, working on the yard, etc. I hate when those types of things weigh on me too long.
My need for employment is a complete and utter struggle as my heart is not in the place to work. I really, really want to be my son’s caregiver. I know on very logical levels that my need to be home while he is at therapy is silly. But, because he is still napping and because I do drive him to things and try so hard to give him down time and normalcy…well it hurts to demand him into a 40 hour therapy so mommy can get a paycheck.
This mommy thing is hard. Sometimes much, much harder than you can imagine when you are child-less. And yet, on the other hand, I know perfectly well that I felt similarly when he was born. He is a June baby and the adjustment to motherhood was not ideal. I had no idea how to get help when i needed it. I resented those that didn’t burden me w/ their need to help. But, August eventually rolled around and teacher workshops popped out at me. I had totally forgotten that us teachers start school before the children. I made myself go into workshops. Showing pictures and videos of my new baby…even one fellow mother mocking me for showing them off. She made me feel like a moron for my pride and love. I hated her for that. She had clearly forgotten what it felt like to return to work. But, I did eventually adjust to the busy, busy day of a teacher’s life. Problems at work filled the corners of my mind. I left my child with my own mother, I relaxed. I remembered that at the end of the day; I am not just a mom. I was someone else before I had a child. I actually liked my job, friends, and family. Leaving him with someone else was hard, but it was also a necessity. Having him was like having my world altered so dramatically that it didn’t depress me, but it was really difficult. Returning to work gave me an opportunity to go back to being just me. And there really was no guilt because I had my own mother to carry me thru this. To love him as much as I do. This gave them (including grandpa) an awesome opportunity to bond very deeply. You should see his face when he gets to see them. I think he likes them better than us.
So here I am again. We are in a rhythm of the way things are and while I hardly spend every waking second with him, many days those seconds have been very hard. SO hard, in fact, that now I struggle imagining anyone else doing well with him. I see therapists struggle with him and they don’t try hard enough to “get him” sometimes. It makes me feel insecure, crazy – why can’t they do better after all of this time?
In my babbling here, I remembered I wanted to write a reflection of where my son was at 2 and now where’s at at 3. But, my old enties are useless. I don’t discuss his development. There is nothing there to see. So I think I will save it for a later time. Where he’s not screaming in the other room. When I haven’t already written so much. I will look up his ECSE reports and see if I can remember who he was at 2 in June. I know we have made some major strides and in other ways, not much has changed in my mind. (I am not minimizing his achievements, but he’s not talking yet and is currently crying like a baby in the other room…so you know). I better go tell him to go to bed. Again.
Screaming/Potty Training and now I am sick
by admin on Jun.07, 2010, under 2010
We have turned the corner hard on this communication thing and while approximations are emerging and the babbling is still there…there is a new sound that con’ts and actually seems to be getting worst each day. Screaming. Full fledged blood curdling screaming. I really enjoyed the moment on Sat when he looked at a stranger and just screamed. That was a new one for me. Since it’s new; I haven’t quite worked out a good response.
While this feels ish and depressing to develop screaming, it might be explained with how he’s feeling. As today my nose went from normal to runny…I realized I was developing exactly what he has had for a few days. My throat is on fire, scratchy, horrible. I laid down at 6:30 to wake at 10. Now it’s midnight and I am quite awake, but my throat is screaming despite the medicine I took.
It makes me wonder how much pain he’s been in these last few days? Constipation and now a cold. And it’s great that mind has taken a huge interest in potty training!
I bought him a simple potty chair yesterday. Today I rewarded him w/ stickers if he would simply sit on it for a second. He is quite willing, so at least that is not a battle. I originally bought the potty ring, but I think w/ his motor planning issues, that climbing up to the toilet is just asking too much yet.
I hate to re-teach sitting on a toilet, but I want him to feel safe too.
I don’t really know how to get this to happen. I am not really sure he is ready either. But, he is 3. It is summer. And I like the idea of the naked teaching. So I have been doing that the last 2 days. I have learned that he pees about every 2 hours. I am learning that even when he pees, he wants to get away from people. So, in the few opportunities to get it in to the potty have been lost, but I am learning that it’s going to happen quickly and when I least expect it.
I have never been happier than to have an ABA program at this time. I am happy to hand this project over to someone else. With his lack of expressive language skills, it makes it hard for me to know what he is understanding. I know that potty training is often times hard for most kiddos, but this is one topic I really don’t think I would do well on alone. Let’s hope that with my new interest in moving forward, that they think he is ready and we can move forward on this topic together this summer.
